If my plants could talk…

If my plants could talk, they would state, “Hey you! Stop letting me decay away! Don’t you know my existence is more arduous than it has to be?” 

When I talk to my plants, I say, “Get it together! Be more resilient! Don’t you know my narrowing of eyes has secret growing powers?!”

If my plants could speak in a firm, yet heightened tone, they would retort, “Actually, you know what? Don’t, just DON’T take care of me.  Must my misplaced mists supplant being watered from the base?!”

When I talk to my plants, I say, “How is it possible that YOU do not adhere to the protocol of my well-intentioned research? Must I always have the rebel plant who does not respond to my nuanced nurturing?”

If my plants could shout, they would exclaim, “If you actually followed through with fidelity, you would forage for food! Go to the nursery! The greenhouse! The hardware store! And sow me in new soil, stat!  Just because my origin is the unoriginal plant scene at Trader Joe’s does not mean I am all that and a bag of plantain chips!”

When I talk to my plants, I say, “Your rapid decline indicates our time together is coming to a close.  Please reincarnate yourself into bountiful cherry blossoms and live a more rewarding, yet abbreviated, life.”

If my plants could sullenly sigh, they would mutter, “Alright, I’ll see you at peak bloom in a few weeks.” 

* * *

When I chat with my prospective plant, I will query, “Fancy a spritz with a side of my eagle-eye?”

Author’s note: This was my punchy Friday attempt to channel the writing style of Jenny Slate in Little Weirds, a true unicorn of a book- highly recommend if you are looking for a book to shake up what you think you know about conventional writing craft!  

This poor plant used to have 5, 7, 10?! proper leaves. One is all that remains.

One thought on “If my plants could talk…

  1. WOW!! I love the creativity in this piece. You could have had your plant talk but you went further and had them shout and sigh, too. Then you recommend a book that inspired this creativity. Thanks for sharing!!!

    Liked by 1 person

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