Future dog’s warning

Today’s slice was inspired by Suleika Jaouad’s The Isolation Journals, Day 34 prompt, “write a scene from an imaginary biography of a pet” which was inspired by Virginia Woolf’s Flush.  Although her prompts were originally intended for the month of April, she decided to keep the project up and running.  I highly recommend subscribing– her prompts are incredible for your own writing and for possible future writing instruction! 

Dear Meg and Derrick,

You’ve heard it from all of your friends.  Dogs are so fun!  Dogs are totally worth it!  You should get a dog, a quarantine pup!  As you continue to stay home and uncover each other’s idiosyncrasies (because somehow, there remains more weirdness to observe on a daily basis), you ponder this idea.  You think what could be so bad about adding a doggo into this mix? 

You think you want to cuddle me. You think I’ll just perch myself at the end of your bed, somehow nestle myself into the Switzerland of your mattress and cozy up with you both, equally.  Silly humans, you know I’m going to throw you for a loop right?!  I’m totally going to upend all that you know.  All that calm boredom that accompanies not having responsibilities other than yourselves?  Poof!  Gone like your future freedom.  I am going to do the unthinkable.  All those times you silently judged your friend’s pets?  Yeah, karma is about to teach you a lesson.  You thought it was bad that time my canine friend, Ginny, gobbled a squawking crow or two while you were dog sitting?  Well guess what?  I prefer innocent acorn-munching squirrels.  Yeah, I know you are already cringing.  You thought it was bad that time you took Shadow for a walk when it was snowy and slippery and she pulled you across the street to attack your friend’s boisterous mini-poodle?  Well guess what? I am going to wrangle my way out of my leash and make you sprint like you didn’t know was physically feasible for your body through the streets of DC to catch me.  I will even show my superiority to other dogs by instigating socially distant barking fests, both while I am outside AND inside our small abode.  Even better, you are going to spend a ton of money on me because you know in your heart of hearts  I am bound to have some sort of issue that requires an exorbitant amount of money to fix.  Not to mention the amount of money it will cost to repair all of the gnawable items you already own.

So Meg and Derrick, do you think you are up for it?  Do you think you can handle me?   You are going to want to return me.  You won’t like my strong-willed agenda of running through the apartment as if possessed and hunting rodents.  You won’t like the added stress, at first.  But guess what?  Eventually you will love me for me and realize I am worth it.  Because that’s the beauty of a canine friend.  Or so you are told. 

Love, 

Your Future Doggo (preferably an anomalous rescue pup of the Samoyed, Great Dane, or Golden Retriever breed)

One thought on “Future dog’s warning

  1. ha ha! This is amazing!!! I have been thinking about getting a friend for Millie, but you have crafted a letter that voice every.single.doubt I have about getting another dog. I laughed heartily at both Ginny and Shadow (holy cow I so remember that) because of how those events affected you. I feel like I am reliving the days you shared those stories with me. And I think you’re right – all of that will happen, but it will be great!

    “there remains more weirdness to observe on a daily basis” is my favorite. you captured the first ten years of a relationship well. You’re covering a lot of ground in this quarantine 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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